“Caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar”
This quote has been posted on the wall of my spanish classroom for who knows how long.
Sophmore year : I stepped foot in that class giddy to be taking my first AP class and simply happy to no longer be a freshmen. AP Spanish Language.
That quote meant nothing to me.
Junior year : I stepped foot in that classroom again, this time feeling uber confident because I was now in AP Spanish Literature and that MUST mean I'm a pro at spanish!
That quote meant nothing to me, still.
Senior Year: I stepped foot in that clasroom again and this time I'm no longer the student glancing at the clock willing time to go by faster so we don't have to write that stupid essay or have the teacher over analyze every detail of ever poem until i can't stand to even hear the title. This time I'm her aid.
That quote means something to me- finally.
These past few months I've been searching for a plan.
I'm like that, some might not know this but I am.
In my head I like to have plans set out. What school I'll go to? Then I need to know how I'll decorate my dorm and the car I'll have. The type of clothes I'll wear. I need to imagine these things as all part of my plan.
I've planned. Deleted. Edited. Deleted Again and Edited entirely too much I think my 'changing plans' option should be locked.
I've grown tired of plans. Fate? Destiny? overrated.
It is what it is. What happened happened. The cards were dealt the way they were. It wasn't because they shuffled wrong on purpose.
So. I've learned to accept. Why make the worst of it when things aren't that bad?
Planning for college is a very stressful time.
You make so so so many plans. You dream of all these things...and then they don't happen.
So I've stopped planning. I'll deal and take anything thrown at me and I'll make the best of it. I'll let my ship take sail as it wishes...with a little steering for good measure.
I've learned many things about myself this past month.
I've discovered things I can't stand about people and what I want and what I don't want and most of all I've learned to let some things go in one ear and out the other because if I took everything to heart, by now? I'd be entirely INSANE.
I've heard so many options and opinions and "i think you should..."s and "You should have..."s and "Why haven't you.."s.
I won't. I didn't and maybe I just don't want to.
Going away to college is a funny thing.
Family takes it hard. It sometimes amuses me.
I find it amusing that they take to having conversations about what I should do behind my back and then "inform" me on their decisions.
I find it amusing that suddenly it's okay to voice disappointment and suggestions that will do me no good.
Where were these opinions before?
Most of all I find it very amusing that talk and criticism comes easy.
"oh she called me the earlier today, very dissapointed."
"well this is your fault, you didn't try hard enough"
You name it? I've heard it.
I find it AMUSING that yes, they all feel bad. disspointment hurts. Yes, maybe things didn't turn out as they should have.
Thank you for feeling bad.
You're feeling bad does nothing to me. Because all the "feeling bad" ? is multiplied by 942594852845 for me. So please, REFRAIN.
I've moved on. I'm going where the wind takes me.
I'm not going to stress [ It's pointless really]
I'm not going to feel bad.
I've gotten this far.
That's more than some can say.
So why treat it like a death sentence?
"If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all"
because maybe, maybe, maybe...I no longer want to hear it.
-D
P.S.
Post on my retreat coming soon.
tmrw? maybe...we shall see.
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