"You're disappointed, aren't you?"

"I'm okay now."

"Are you?"

"I think so."

"How do you really feel?"

It is nice to be able to talk to someone for a while; someone that holds no bias against anything you do or say but is so genuine and you know only wishes the best for you.

It's been a while since I've last spoken with my school counselor, probably since January. 

First she was too busy too see me with incoming students then registration came around and then spring break and AP's and missed appointments and finally, after a quick run-in in the office we settled for lunch today. 

It's funny because for a while I ignored any feelings of disappointment I might have had previously.  I was done with that phase and more than ready to move on. 

The end of the year was looking bright and the things in store for me seemed pretty good too.

I go about my day with my own small feelings of disappointment because there are some that you can't just bear to rid yourself of no matter how hard you try.

It's not a constant reminder but it's there and as this year comes to a close it becomes more and more apparent to me.

"why did I do this" "I should have never done that" "what was the point of doing this?"

I have felt this way for a while.

Unconsciously I was feeding into it everyday but conciously I tried to rid myself of such feelings.

So when I walked into my counselor's office today I went in with a happy smile ready to let her know how despite everything I was happy, excited-  ready to tell her I couldn't wait for what awaited me. 

That lasted about 1 minute. She knew me well. 

It wasn't long before  my eyes watered and I told her everything. 

How hard I tried, how mad I was at the outcome and how I couldn't begin to fathom what I had done wrong.

"I keep thinking over and over what went wrong and I can't pin point it. That's what bothers me most."

She couldn't understand it either. She was shocked and in a way that brought me a small sense of peace. 

Okay, maybe I didn't do something wrong...maybe it was force beyond my control.

She seemed to understand everything that was going on and what amazed me most was that she understood me.

Not almost-18-year-old Daisy, graduating high school and off to college and unhappy with the way things happened.

She understood DAISY. ME. 

the out of school version of me.

and let me tell you, boy was that nice. 

I realized that I was making myself feel something I didn't want to feel. 

I didn't WANT to feed on such emotions but there is only so much you can mask. 

admitting disappointment isn't always a bad thing. 

I expected the meeting to last about 15 min. 

It was close to an hour.

It was so refreshing to get so many things off my chest. 

worries I had.

insecurities I felt.

concerns about leaving home.

my plan during and after college.

I noticed that as I spoke to her about my plans, my goals and my achievements I consciously tried to be more positive about things. 

She understood the way I felt and for the first time I had someone make me feel like it was okay to be upset and not have to pretend to feel otherwise. 

For those 45 min I was able to simply feel the way I felt. 

I didn't have to worry about sparing the feelings of others.

Saying the right things.

Making the choices that would best benefit everyone.

I spoke what I felt, what I wanted to do and laid it out all on the table.

and man, did that feel good.

I've been so blessed to have her to talk do during my high school years. She is one of the sweetest most genuine people I know and when I look back at my time in high school, leaving her will probably be one of the things that hurts me the most.

Thank God for email!

-D