I'm looking at you through the glass...

I like that song. :)
ANYWAY!

I can't lie, these past few days have been pretty darn good!
Be gone negative vibes!
I'm not aiming to sound like I am entirely full of ..."poop" but since that retreat?
I feel lighter! It feels so much easier to just listen and disregard things I could care less about. I know what's best for me and  I am, for the time being, "accepting opinions and feelings" which want to be shared with me concerning my "plan" but that door will close soon.

If you want to make it to the cut, do it now. :P hahaha

What else..what else..I feel like I had tons to say and now it's failing me.
While I try and remember...I put some face cream on my face and I think I put too much and it's burning like hell...hopefully it doesn't burn me! oh well.

oh! okay. so.

MY FAMILY HAS A POKER ADDICTION.

okay, okay. MY PARENTS DO.

MY MOM DOES.

It's the funniest thing! I have a massive coin purse now. She wins and donates it to me then uses that money again to play and then gives it to me AGAIN in the end. 

So it's really like a win-win situation.

I swear I had tons to write on here and nothing is coming to me now.  Darn!

Tomorrow I'll have to make a list of things I wanted to talk about and then write another post tomorrow.

I went to Zumba today with Maria.

I WAS NOT FEELING IT.

I miss my Thursday class hahaha 

like I told Maria, "there was too  many people and they were going to fast and she kept making us do these stupid little steps and I felt NOTHING"

I felt like no burn at all.

Somewhere between barely lifting my leg and flicking my wrist I lost interest. 

I was looking at the clock and it would say 7:35 and all I could think was "omigod....25 more minutes in here!"

I miss Michelle! I miss hip-hop! Even dumb, complicated California Girls!

Hopefully I remember more tomorrow.

TAH TAH

-D

p.s.

I donate blood tomorrow. :)

Wish me luck!

MY GLASSES!

I almost forgot.

ALMOST

I got my glasses back today.

Those darn things.

Who would have thought I would have missed those things SO SO SO much?

Me.

HAHA I'm so happy I have them back.

My little eyeballs missed you, glasses!

Plan? I have no plan.

“Caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar”

This quote has been posted on the wall of my spanish classroom for who knows how long. 

Sophmore year : I stepped foot in that class giddy to be taking my first AP class and simply happy to no longer be a freshmen. AP Spanish Language. 

That quote meant nothing to me.

Junior year : I stepped foot in that classroom again, this time feeling uber confident because I was now in AP Spanish Literature and that MUST mean I'm a pro at spanish! 

That quote meant nothing to me, still.

Senior Year: I stepped foot in that clasroom again and this time I'm no longer the student glancing at the clock willing time to go by faster so we don't have to write that stupid essay or have the teacher over analyze every detail of ever poem until i can't stand to even hear the title.  This time I'm her aid.

That quote means something to me- finally.

These past few months I've been searching for a plan. 

I'm like that, some might not know this but I am. 

In my head I like to have plans set out. What school I'll go to? Then I need to know how I'll decorate my dorm and the car I'll have. The type of clothes I'll wear. I need to imagine these things as all part of my plan.

I've planned. Deleted. Edited. Deleted Again and Edited entirely too much I think my 'changing plans' option should be locked.

I've grown tired of plans. Fate? Destiny? overrated. 

It is what it is. What happened happened. The cards were dealt the way they were.  It wasn't because they shuffled  wrong on purpose. 

So. I've learned to accept. Why make the worst of it when things aren't that bad?

Planning for college is a very stressful time. 

You make so so so many plans. You dream of all these things...and then they don't happen. 

So I've stopped planning. I'll deal and take anything thrown at me and I'll make the best of it.  I'll let my ship take sail as it wishes...with a little steering for good measure.

I've learned many things about myself this past month.

I've discovered things I can't stand about people and what I want and what I don't want and most of all I've learned to let some things go in one ear and out the other because if I took everything to heart, by now? I'd be entirely INSANE.

I've heard so many options and opinions and "i think you should..."s and "You should have..."s and  "Why haven't you.."s.

I won't. I didn't and maybe I just don't want to.

Going away to college is a funny thing. 

Family takes it hard. It sometimes amuses me. 

I find it amusing that they take to having conversations about what I should do behind my back and then "inform" me on their decisions. 

I find it amusing that suddenly it's okay to voice disappointment and suggestions that will do me no good.

Where were these opinions before?

Most of all I find it very amusing that talk and criticism comes easy.

"oh she called me the earlier today, very dissapointed."

"well this is your fault, you didn't try hard enough"

You name it? I've heard it. 

I find it AMUSING that yes, they all feel bad. disspointment hurts. Yes, maybe things didn't turn out as they should have. 

Thank you for feeling bad. 

You're feeling bad does nothing to me. Because all the "feeling bad" ? is multiplied by 942594852845 for me. So please, REFRAIN.

I've moved on. I'm going where the wind takes me. 

I'm not going to stress [ It's pointless really]

I'm not going to feel bad.

I've gotten this far.

That's more than some can say.

So why treat it like a death sentence?

"If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all"

because maybe, maybe, maybe...I no longer want to hear it.

-D

P.S.

Post on my retreat coming soon.

tmrw? maybe...we shall see.

 

Thanks.

I'm in a better mood today than I was in the last couple days.

I feel like after being open to change and making the best of things, thing don't seem that bad anymore.

Sure, it hurts still but I feel like in the past week I have learned to just brush it off. Oh well.


I've been grateful to have wonderful and supportive family and friends who understand and know exactly how to make me feel better without even trying.

so here it goes...

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! :)

ALSO! I am getting my glasses fixed. I won't get them until Wednesday but that's something :)

Hope tomorrow is good too!
-D

I needed a break. So I took a day off.

There are only so many no's you can take before you reach your limit and I think I've hit mine. Well, I hope I haven't because I'm hardly done and you never know how the cards will turn out for you.

With the luck I've been having it could only get worse.
Although, I sure hope it doesn't!

This week has been far from great.  It's actually been a pretty shitty week other than the fact that I had a very good dinner Tuesday night and went to the gym twice. I  got to add in some Zumba, at least for an hour, and  I didn't have to think about school and instead think about how pathetic I must look trying to do all the salsa steps.

Those steps are harder than they look!

I try to remain positive but this week has just gone all wrong. On top of all the other lame things that have gone on my glasses broke! It would have been okay seeing as I had contacts until I realized I have one pair left and the the last pair that I had been using had a rip so let's see how long these last before I have to go either order more or fix my glasses.

I have a retreat this coming Sunday and I'm actually really really looking forward to it because I can be on my own for 5 hours and just meditate and reflect on myself with NO INTERRUPTIONS.  No one knocking on my door telling me to help make dinner. No calls to see how my day has gone. No one asking if I can tie their shoes.

Call me selfish but after the week I had I can use some time alone. Hence, why I didn't go to school today. I'm done with the topic of school, even if it is just for this weekend.
I am sick of talking about school, going to school, THINKING ABOUT SCHOOL.
 I need a break even though really, there are things I have to do. So I did them. I had send out a housing application. So i did.  I'll review some of my notes for AP Econ later and call it a day. Well. No. I have some math stuff I can get done. Might as well.

I'm aware that my week compared to the week other people have gone through, especially those in Japan can hardly be considered horrible.

I think sometimes about how pathetic it might be to feel so down over things like this when there are people fighting off bigger and more important problems.

disasters. diseases. problems at home. what be it.

However, it doesn't make me hurt any less and if sleeping for a day and blogging helps me feel better, so be it. If I don't answer my phone it's not because it's off,  I probably just don't want to talk.  I'm aware I can't bring on blame to other people. That's not fair.  I can't put the blame on people who don't deserve it simply because I feel like shit.


So, in turn, I'll take time to myself and do my own thing until I'm ready to leave behind this shitty mood.


A period of mourning if you will.




With that said and done, have I mentioned  that I have some of the most annoying neighbors?

I can't believe I didn't notice how annoying they are until now.

For one, they have a dog that barks like mad. The little side doors? part of the fence that some people have to lead to the side of the house? They obviously don't know that you can CLOSE that because when it's windy it's swinging back and forth all day and the little lock just clinks against the door and it drives me crazy. Two days ago they were playing the drums so loud I was getting a headache just imagining how it must sound being INSIDE their house. Yesterday, the country music. The same song. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.  Of course, it's my luck that my room is the only one that is closest to them,  my window is above the drive way and so close so I can hear everything.


HELP!

Anyway, that is it for now.
I'll probably post something up later. 

-D

Don't feel like giving this a title.

I hate when people point out the obvious.
Also.
I hate when something happens that's unfortunate and they don't have anything to tell you so instead they tell you everything you should have done instead so you wouldn't have ended up where you are now instead of helping you make the most of what you have.

Thanks!

Like I didn't already think about what i SHOULD have done.
Thanks for the support.
As if it wasn't hard enough to get thus far.

What's even more frustrating is realizing that maybe there was some things I should have done differently but it's too late now. Plus,  before this whole thing even began no one objected to my plans so...in that case, please refrain from saying 'Well, you should have..."  or "I thought you....I didn't know!"  Too late for "I should have"
That train left the station a couple months ago, Dude. TOO LATE.

So. Anyway. There goes that.

Like Sonia says, "PEACE! RELEASE!"

I feel like I need a couple thousand hours of meditation with some good music and silence in my room. ALONE. For a day at least.

and sweet, sweet neighbors- TURN OFF YOUR MUSIC!!

 To end with inspirational music... :)

"It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away"

-D

My new favorite...

I LOVE HER!

I love her voice.

It's so soulful and makes me happy. 

I've been listening to her pretty much all week.

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark,

Finally, I can see you crystal clear,
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your sheet bare,
See how I'll leave with every piece of you,
Don't underestimate the things that I will do,

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark,

The scars of your love remind me of us,
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all,
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,
I can't help feeling,

We could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside of your hands,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
And you played it to the beat,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),

Baby, I have no story to be told,
But I've heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn,
Think of me in the depths of your despair,
Make a home down there as mine sure won't be shared.








ahhhh. 
Someone's PISSED! 
Ironically, it makes me feel good after I listen.
HAHAHAHAHAH

-D

Nice day on the ranch...

"Orale' Camarada!"

I think this picture says a great deal of what there is to say about my relationship with Sonia.

If you don't already know this (my goodness, how could you not!?!) SONIA, is my sister.

Partner in el' Crime.

HENCE THE PICTURE.

Thought it would be a good laugh before bed.

I know it sure was for me.

Night Night!

-D

Well I didn't want you anyway....!!!

2 rejections in 4 days.

okay, I can't say that I'm over the top devastated. I'm not.

The schools that will break my heart haven't gotten to me .
Let's just say if I don't get the nice  big envelopes... shit is going DOWN.

But no. really. It's funny how you apply and you WANT to get in everywhere.
Who wouldn't? And then you get the rejection.

It is then that you...that I realize that I didn't want to go there all that bad because what hurts more than the damn rejection is the money I paid to get their dumb denial.

GAH! NOT COOL.

Anyway....WAIT. Another thing.
I hate their rejection letters.
I HIGHLY doubt you regret ANYTHING stupid schools!

"If it is any consolation, we would be glad to review you again as a transfer..."

F.U.
I don't need the consolations. I'm not THAT DEVASTATED. 

That is all.


----

On another note. I'm having gym withdraws! Who would have thought?!?

Certainly not me! But it's true.

I hope I can go today :/

*fills a glass with champagne*
Here's to a better day tomorrow!

-D

PSSST!!

I changed my settings.

SO.

NOW ANYONE can comment on my blogs. :)

You're Asking Me, Will My Love Grow?....I don't know...I don't know...

 

Adam.

He makes my heart swell with love and makes me smile even when he says I'm "scary".

Favorites has nothing to do with it. 

I have 4 nephews and I love them all the same.

Each is different in their own way.

Each has their own beautiful qualities that makes them their own person.

And I love that about them.

------

I can't really say when I fell in love with Adam.

It was probably May 23rd, 2008.

He stole my heart and he's had it since then. 

He's the baby of the family.

correction.

MY BABY.

Because he loves me best. :]

JUST KIDDING MARIA!

 I love that when I babysit him he stops what he is doing to run into my room and tell me he loves me.

I love how he wraps his little arms around my neck and rests his cheek against mine and squeezes me tight.

I love how he pretends to ignore me when I tell him how handsome he looks in his pj's without any shoes. 

I love how his cheeks get flushed after he runs around and around.

I love holding him after his nap.

I love holding his hand.

I love how he sings "Baby, I like it! The way you move on the floor!"

I love how he tells me he 'misses me sooooooo much' after not seeing him for a couple days.

I love the way he eats.

I love the way he sleeps.

I love the way he smiles.

Obsessive much? Nope, I don't think so.

 

And the best part? He loves me too.

Healing Prayer

I am not what you consider particularly religious. Sure, I believe but that's a topic for another day ...for another post. This particular Sunday my catechist and his wife held a healing prayer to prepare us for our up and coming confirmation and it was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. We sat in our chairs with perfect posture and closed our eyes as she began to speak. She spoke of our life until now, memories which we have held on to and people who have wronged us. It was an exercise to grow as a person, leave behind the negativity we have been faced with and learn to forgive and forget.  

I can't lie and say I didn't want to laugh. 

It was not that i didn't take it seriously, it was those nervous laughs  you get when you don't want to make a fool of yourself and are afraid at the same time. So I sat there as she prayed and closed my eyes and really, truly tried to connect with myself. I didn't see it as something that had to be solely religious but rather a reflection of myself as a person. 

It was all going well until they started the music. 

Birds chirping. Water falls crashing against the rocks.

Even then, I swore to myself I wouldn't let it get to me, I almost laughed. I did. 

And suddenly they started talking about things I felt and things I needed to find forgiveness for and it actually really truly helped me. I felt lighter the moment I walked out and since then I've been trying to let go of the things that have been tying be down because I realize that the only person I'm hurting in the process is myself.

So in a sense? NEW BEGINNINGS.

"I just came to say HELLO!"

I JOINED THE GYM.

That really has been by far the most interesting and exciting thing that has happened since last....Wednesday? It seems like the days go by fast and nothing is really happening much at all. So honestly, if you ask me what's new and I tell you 'nothing much'....literally, nothing is new.
I always heard senior year would be the best and I had to do all these great things and go to all these parties and go to all these events and not to worry about relationships, just enjoy it with friends and have a good time. well. There haven't been any school events! and no parties! haha. so. that's like..a fail.

I am, however, enjoying it with friends very much so.

I've been wanting to join the gym forever and for one reason or another I was never able to and now that  my two best friends took the leap and did it there was no way I could stay behind so here I am to.

Your's truly, a gym member.

Given that the gym is right by the beach....the eye candy should be good too. :P
But of course, that's not WHY I'm going to the gym.
Or that one in particular.

But it can't hurt right?


Nothing has come in the mail and I've given up waiting and looking. In reality, it's pointless actually. If it comes it comes and if not well....those letters better freakin' get here by APRIL or else I'll be calling up a storm to complain.

They'll come. I'm sure they will.
Like I said before, no letter is always better than a rejection letter....until a certain point. :P MEH


What else has changed since I last updated on here?

Not all that much, honestly.
Thursday .....I hung out with Jovonna and Becky.
Friday....went out to dinner with two of my sisters at P.F. Chang's
Saturday....I don't remember exactly. I might have slept a lot that day. Played poker until 11' pm
Sunday...OH!

Okay. So.

I'm enrolled in a "confirmation class" to fulfill the Catholic Sacrament.
Apparently, I'm like a year late? Seeing as I'm the oldest in the class.
This Sunday in particular was out last official CLASS.  In two weeks we have retreat and then the following weeks up until May it's pure rehearsal. So this weekend in particular we embarked in a HEALING PRAYER. Needless to say that was very interesting ...I'll write another post after the gym all about that.

Off to the gym!!
-D

"The time to relax is when you don't have time for it."

STRESS, BE GONE!

So. It feels as if I've had no time to do anything. It's funny how when you get stressed- well, rather, when "I" get stressed I feel like I will get nothing done and everything seems to make me nervous and jittery and I get a stiff neck and get emotional and frustrated and in turn...sleep. Productive, ey?

Honestly, right now I don't even remember posting anything on Monday. It wasn't until last night in bed that I realized I hadn't posted anything for Tuesday. I considered posting some dumb post but in all honesty, my day wasn't at all interesting and had nothing in the mail so why even write anything?

Monday I got an email from a school I applied to telling me my financial aid application was rejected and I had to resubmit and debating on when they received it and the funds still available I would be able to see how much they could offer me.

I FLIPPED.

My stomach started burning and all I could think of was how the hell I was going to get through college without any help. Moreover, I went into paranoid mode and began to justify the reasons for which there had been a lack of acceptances with the fact that they couldn't tell me I WASN'T ACCEPTED.  Illogical, I know.

So what did I do?  I cleaned.
I had so much nerves and stress and tension and sitting down was only making my head spin so I put on some sweats and an old tee and took to cleaning the bathroom.

On all fours, soup and sponge in hand- I CLEANED THAT BATHROOM LIKE NO BODY'S BUSINESS.

BUBBLES WERE EVERYWHERE.
I scrubbed every part of the toilet and the tub and even the floors and the walls.
Strangely, after I did that I vacuumed my room and I felt...better.


I made a few calls and submitted a few forms and realized my paranoia was not at all even remotely worth it. My forms were fine, I had simply forgot a small detail and their costumer service rep assured me everything was PERFECT.



Yesterday I took a pretty long nap and woke up and decided to make dinner.
I was up until 2 am.
Last time I'm taking a nap.

Today was average.
I have realized that the more stressed I become, the less talkative I am.
Not that I'm very talkative to begin with.
My mind goes blank.
I find myself having nothing to say.
Silence becomes unfortable for me as I realize that if and when a conversation were to start...I'd have no mental capacity to even develop an answer.


WEEEEIIIRRRDDD.
Hopes that today will be RELAXING!
doubt it, seeing as I have a project to do and no freakin' idea on how to do it.
okay, lie.
I do have an idea. :P

-D